*Trigger Warning - Talks of Suicide
After deciding to leave the Mormon church I had to choose what path to follow spiritually. I have always been close with Spirit and I wanted to reconnect in a way that felt more authentic to me.
The different spiritual possibilities were now open in a way they’d never been before. I definitely had a love for Jesus’ teachings, but I wondered to myself if it was okay to explore a new teaching. I dared to step out of my comfort zone, but I wasn’t sure where to go. I thought maybe a different Christian denomination, perhaps Buddhism or some other religion, but nothing felt right. Finally, I decided to just start with love. I thought to myself - the common message from all the different religions, in their own way, was love. I didn’t know where I belonged, so it seemed like the best choice.
… But, what does that mean? I wanted to begin with love, yes, but there were so many starting points to choose from.
At this time in my life I was 2 years divorced. During my marriage I had become a person I didn’t recognize anymore. When I was younger I didn’t exactly love myself, but when I looked in the mirror there was at least someone I respected staring back at me.
However, after my divorce, I no longer respected myself and I definitely didn’t love myself. In fact, it’s safe to say that I hated myself.
Never in my life had I made an effort to get to know and love myself and I thought perhaps it was time.
I began small. Anytime I had negative self-talk, I did what I could to correct the thought.
I used to think things like “Why are you so stupid Jen?” and followed that up with “No, you’re not stupid, sometimes you make bad choices. Now you know the consequences and can learn to choose differently.”
I learned to speak to myself as if I was speaking to little Jen. I tried to be the safe adult I desperately needed when I was younger. Mostly, I was doing my best to be kind to and reconnect with myself.
A little later I added affirmations. At first when looking in the mirror and telling myself “you’re beautiful” or “I love you” I felt so stupid. I didn’t believe the things I was telling myself so it felt uncomfortable and false, but instead of letting those feelings stop me I forced myself to continue.
In the process of trying to start to simply like myself, I was dealing with people in my life who'd constantly break me down or cause stress in different ways.
Depression and anxiety was something I was used to managing, but this time it was different. With everything I was dealing with at the time, I had become suicidal, but in a calm way.
Calmly, I would think about who should get my things, I wondered if I should create a last will and testament to lessen stress on my family and I thought about how I wanted to end my life. These were very dark moments of deep calm despair for me, but I did my best not to show it to those around me.
On the flip side of that I had moments where I fought myself for my life. I’d try to think of my Mom and siblings. I started painting again to try and find moments of contentment and happiness. By working on loving myself I had created a safe space and sanctuary at home. It was one of my favorite places to be. I introduced plants to my home and poured love into them. I listened to motivational things on Youtube, I found clearing prayers and binaural beats to listen to. I discovered cleansing baths, Moon rituals, grounding techniques and other “witchy” practices that resonated with me and brought happiness to my life. I found that going outside and simply sitting still in the grass was immensely helpful.
For the first time in my life I felt a connection to Mother Earth and the wild animals who, in their own way, showed me support and love… And yes, I know how crazy that sounds, but I don’t know how else to explain it. I felt so connected to them…
I was getting somewhere, it was wonderful, until I was forced through familial obligation to take in a family member. That person, through their actions, words and people they brought into my home without permission, destroyed the sanctuary I had built for myself. I was drowning and there was no one there to hear my cries for help.
This whole time was an immense struggle. I kept teetering between choosing life or literal death, I almost didn’t win the battle.
After beating myself up mentally and emotionally over wanting my family member to leave, I finally decided to put myself first and kicked that person out of my home. A little later after that, a 3 year old dog named Larry came into my life. It wasn’t until then that the odds teetered more heavily towards choosing life.
Larry is everything to me and if you ever met us, you’d clearly see I’m everything to him too. With him in my life I was able to focus more fully on learning how to love myself and the world around me. I began to unlearn things and habits I hated about myself. The weight of despair started to lift and my depression became more manageable.
I’m happy to say that while I didn’t die physically, in a way, I did die and was reborn again as a newer happier version of myself. It’s been 5 years since I began this journey and I can confidently look in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful, intelligent, unique and worthy I am. I love myself ever so much and it’s the most wonderful feeling.
That’s not to say there aren’t moments where I don’t struggle still. I definitely have dark days and while it’s hard I still have Larry, who continues to save my life. I do my best to give myself space to feel whatever I’m feeling and when it’s time I’ll do what I can to uplift myself so that I don't stay in that dark space for too long.
If you’re struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide please know you are worth so much more than you’re feeling right now. I remember feeling so alone and didn’t feel like there was anyone who’d understand me or wouldn’t overly worry.
If you feel comfortable calling a suicide hotline please reach out and call. The number for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is 988 they are available 24 hours a day. If you have someone in your life you feel comfortable talking to, please talk to them. If you’re more like me and have a hard time opening up to people you can try any of the following:
Talk to a friend, loved one, coworker, therapist or even a stranger you might feel comfortable with about anything meaningful in your life. It doesn’t have to be about your suicidal feelings if you don’t feel comfortable doing that, the goal is to feel connected with someone so you don’t feel so alone.
Use the comment section here to write down your feelings. You might find others who can relate and understand you.
Pay attention to the music or other media you take in because everything and anything can affect your mental state and especially if it’s in a fragile place already.
The people in your life can heavily affect you mentally so pay attention to how certain people make you feel. Boundaries are so important, don’t be afraid to cut off anyone who continually disrespects, belittles and constantly disregards your boundaries.
Try to be kinder to yourself in any way you can. Connecting to my younger self was really helpful for me, but in doing so it made me confront childhood trauma which while necessary, wasn’t fun at all, so just be aware of the possible added stress.
See a therapist. From personal experience, they can be so helpful in the healing process. Keep in mind though, they are people too and you’re not gonna mesh with someone just because they’re a therapist, shop around if you need to.
There are tons of things to try, but there's a few for you to start from. It’s my hope to reach anyone who might need the message to keep fighting. I hope this was helpful. May you be blessed to see a rainbow after all the storms life has put you through. So much love and blessings to you…
*JEN*
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