Kat Williams once said “If you wanted me to speak more highly of you, then perhaps you should have treated me better… You don’t get to narrate My story of My experiences with you.” and I really felt that. Throughout this post I’ll be using the words female, woman and girl interchangeably. Please know, for simplicity sake these words include any female presenting person who identifies as they/them and not just she/her pronouns. I have found that mean girls come in many forms, if you can relate to this, it’s for you. With that being said let’s get into it…
Growing up I had an abundance of Aunties, but there was one who was THE Auntie.
She was 14 years old when I was born. She was one of the coolest, most magical people in my life as a little person. She introduced me and my siblings to the music of Madonna, Prince, Janet and Michael Jackson. She taught me about the world in ways my parents just didn’t. From her, I learned how to not be a snitch because snitches get stitches or end up in ditches. In the fourth grade when I came home from school crying because some girls were picking on me she taught me how to mentally deal with bullies. I remember that she asked me why I was crying and after hearing what I had to say she asked me - “Are what those girls saying true?” I responded no and then again, she asked me why I was crying, it stopped and made me think. She told me if it’s not true there’s no reason to cry, just keep your head up, you know who you are and who you aren’t. I’m paraphrasing of course, but this was my first lesson on how to become unbothered.
I remember how she used to sing Rapper’s Delight to us kids and we found it so entertaining, it’s one of my favorite childhood memories of her. Or when she’d stop a little down the road and let us kids ride on the roof or hood of her car as she’d finish down the road to pull into the driveway, it was the 80’s we were more free then (shrugs).
She taught my older sister and I about fashion, make-up and would always lift us up and make us feel beautiful within ourselves. My mom loved music and loved to dance but it was my Auntie who brought wonder and magic to that part of my life. The only thing better than my Aunt alone was when my Mom joined in on the dancing too. Life was good, I was a happy kid, my childhood was magical for various reasons and my Aunt was a shining star. I loved her with my whole entire soul, I wanted to be just like her when I grew up and it was my turn to be an Auntie.
As I grew older and started to develop into an adolescent, things started to change ever so slightly. She would still build me up but she would also use little digs to put me down, make me feel stupid or feel ashamed of my body. I noticed her doing this to other females before, but it was new for her to do it to me. I didn’t understand or really even see what was happening then, but now I understand I was becoming competition.
I’m sure most of you think how can an 11 or 12 year old be competition to a grown woman? It does sound ridiculous, but there was some generational trauma in play, so just take my word for it. My mother also went through this trauma, but it manifested in her a little differently. I’m not sure what happened to my maternal grandmother to be jealous or envious of her daughters but the hell she put her girls through as children would be why I’m here writing about my own experiences with the women in my life growing up now, but I digress…
While I didn’t know or understand why my Aunt was treating me differently, I did what I could to adjust to it, as kids tend to do. Her treatment of me and other women around her became the norm for me and thus the mean girl seeds which had been planted earlier on started to mature. At my core, I’m a kindhearted person and would have never thought of myself as a mean girl, but recently I’ve had to face some hard truths. The truth is, I’m not a mean girl at my core, but I do have mean girl tendencies. Nature vs nurture and all that…
So, what is a mean girl? In my experience it’s a girl/woman who is insecure, jealous or envious of another female. They bring themselves up by bringing other women down through manipulation, deceit, backhanded compliments, small remarks or actions that make another female feel small, ridiculous or less than they’re worth. They do what they can to keep the female in their sights below them because how dare any other female try to be “better” or rise above them.
Sometimes it’s obvious and sometimes their actions and words are so subtle no one would ever believe the mean girl would act in such a way. This kind of mean girl is a master manipulator and I’ve dealt with plenty of them throughout my lifetime. You’d think my Aunt was the first, but no, she’s not a master manipulator. My Aunt was one of the obvious ones, my maternal Grandmother was the first master manipulator/mean girl I ever had to deal with. Where do you think my Aunt learned it from?
There have been plenty of times I’ve been rightfully angry or upset with my Aunt but thinking about her now I feel nothing but compassion. In all honesty, I don’t think she's a mean girl at her core either. She was exposed to and taught some things a young child just shouldn’t be around or learn. I don’t know the extent but by the knowledge I have right now, her biggest lesson was how her value depended on how men viewed her and especially how they viewed her body. Are things making more sense now? So, yeah, I can’t help but have compassion for the little girl and adolescent my Auntie was growing up. I love her terribly, but she is unfortunately not anyone I recognize anymore.
I’m getting away from myself though… As time went on, she had her own kids, one boy who we’ll call Vino and one girl who we’ll name Sara. When her daughter was about 5 years old, which would make me about 17, Sara’s dad made a comment to my Aunt that would end up pitting me and my cousin up against each other. He said something along the lines of “I think Jennifer is the prettiest cousin” to which my Aunt would indignantly respond “Even prettier than your own daughter!?” and because he really enjoyed pissing her off he said yes. I wasn’t there for this interaction, but my Aunt definitely told me about it later and left out no detail. She needed me to know how utterly ridiculous it was that I could be “prettier” than her daughter. I remember thinking it was ridiculous the competition was even there. Sara was five and yes, very beautiful, but I didn’t understand why we couldn’t both just be beautiful in our own ways, especially since we were so far apart in age.
The damage was done though… As Sara grew into a young woman herself, my Aunt made it clear at any opportunity that no one could be more beautiful or better in any way than her daughter and that especially went for me. On the flip side of that, my Aunt and Uncle would constantly put my cousin down and make her feel like she wasn’t very intelligent. Don’t get me wrong she had confidence in spades when it came to her appearance and athletic skills, but she was very insecure about her intelligence. Let me just set the record straight here, my cousin is both very beautiful and intelligent. I don’t talk to either of them anymore but my last observation of Sara, she had more confidence in her smarts and intuition but still leaned on other people around her for direction.
Growing up around my Aunt was the weirdest thing because one minute she had my back like no other, but then in small simple moments she’d put me down. I learned to have both a healthy sense of confidence and insecurity, which is a good recipe for making a mean girl but the kind that is also a people pleaser.
I remember one time in the fourth grade there was this girl all my friends were bullying. I’m ashamed to say, I became a sheep or people pleaser and joined in. I ended up having a pushing match with this girl after school. I remember in the moment, I hated her and wanted to make her look stupid and weak because then I’d look cool right? After I got home that day and away from all my “friends”, I thought about it a lot. I asked myself what about the girl I didn't like? I realized I didn’t even know her enough to not like anything about her. I realized I had been cruel for no reason and had just been following the crowd. I was so ashamed of myself and vowed to stick up for that girl the next time anyone put her down and I did. I remember trying to befriend her after that and she wanted nothing to do with me. I didn’t blame her one bit.
I’ve caught myself in little moments like that throughout my life. Realizing I was being mean for no reason or noticing how the things I said about someone would affect the way others looked at them from then on. While I’m not proud of my mean girl moments I am happy that a lot of the time I would catch myself and try to correct or amend as I could. Then again, there were other times I just didn’t care - Like that one time I was 19 and in a room with a couple friends talking about a girl who was in the living room and had someone go get her so we could tell her how we felt about her to her face. I didn’t care about her feelings, I didn’t like her and I wanted her to know it without a doubt. When I was done, I told her she could leave. Yeah, that wasn’t my best moment.
At least I know it’s a real issue now though and I know its origin. My Aunt and Grandmother taught me my first lessons on how to be a mean girl. There was my Dad’s ex-girlfriend who was jealous that he loved me more than her. She’d get back at me by emotionally and mentally bullying and abusing me when we lived with her. She had grown daughters that would add to it, but she was the main reason I had my first mental breakdown at 13… There were other females in my family and out, both my age and older that would add to that mean girl pile, but there were others who would show me kindness. I’m so very thankful to those girls and women who showed me what true kindness and unconditional love was. I would like to thank my Mother for making church a thing even though I received trauma from there as well. Church allowed me to meet some genuinely kind women and girls. Don’t get me wrong, there were mean girls there too, both big and small but the kindness is what I latched onto because I so desperately needed it.
So, I think the mean girl trait comes in different forms for everyone. I’m pretty sure my Aunt mostly does it as a survival tactic. I’ve noticed she always needs a more “powerful” female to attach and become a sycophant to. She might question that female but won’t have the power to fully stand up to that female. She does it to impress the “master” or more superior female she’s decided deserves a pedestal.
I think my Grandmother did it to stay and feel superior to those who dared challenge her or rise above as I mentioned before. I think maybe I’m a mixture of both of them, but mostly partook in it to survive the women or girls in my life. I didn’t really have a voice as a youth. I was always told who I was, so even though I had confidence, if a family member or someone I held in esteem told me I wasn’t good enough in any way, I faltered. Please don’t get me wrong, the majority of them didn’t discourage me in a mean spirited way. I’m sure most of you have experienced sharing a thought or idea and someone shuts it down with a simple comment. Usually they don’t even realize they popped your bubble.
So anyway, I guess while not completely, I did end up to be like my Aunt. She really is a beautiful and magical person so I’m not completely bothered by it, but I’m not okay with the mean girl part of her personality.
I know the problem now though and can break free from the mean girl and be my true authentic self. I’ve been working on this for quite some time already. When I started my Spiritual Journey and began with love, stamping out the mean girl was naturally part of the process. Not to mention finding my voice and finally sticking up for myself. I’ll never forget the day my Aunt came into a bar I was at to play pool. I had kicked her son out of my house. I was fully in my right, he was dealing drugs and letting all sorts of people come and go as they pleased, but that was her son and she was angry.
She walked into the bar with purpose and from across the room said “We can do this here or we can do this outside.”
I told her “Nope, I’m not doing that.” she repeated herself and I just told her to “go ahead”. She walked over with all the intimidation she could muster and got in my face. We went back and forth before she pushed me, it was then I actually got angry because I saw that as an act of betrayal. Never in my life would I think to put my hands on her. I stood my ground and it didn’t really go any further than that. I think our relationship had been slowly turning, but that was when it was fractured in a way that couldn’t be fully healed. I remember thinking at the time, from then on, no matter what, I’d never back down from her again in my life and knew that could get dangerous for us both. Kicking out my cousin and standing up to her was so hard for me but I was incredibly proud of myself for finally standing up for myself to both of them.
I’ve been through so much with my Aunt and her kids, some of those times were the best of times and some not so good at all. I think one of the worst times with my Aunt in particular was when she signed me up for softball without asking me and then bullied me into wearing running shoes because they were technically “sneakers”. They were all I had and I was going to be in the outfield so I thought it’d be fine. I found out later everyone had to play catcher at least once and I was catcher for maybe 10 minutes before I tore 3 of the 4 ligaments in my right knee and now have stage four osteoarthritis at the age of 41. I really wish that was when I had the courage to stand up for myself but we can’t change the past, we can only learn from it and move forward.
I feel like my thoughts are everywhere on this one, so if you’ve stayed this long, thank you so much! I guess my point here is, even though we’re taught to be something doesn’t mean we have to stay that thing. It doesn’t matter what it is, if it’s something we don’t like about ourselves we always have the power to change it.
Step one really is identifying the problem and then we can do what we can to fix it. Anytime I find myself being mean or judgemental for no reason I have to stop and correct the action. I’ll do this until it becomes second nature to either correct myself or not have the habit at all. My goal is to love people where they’re at. Even if I don’t like or trust someone, I can remove myself from their presence or give them very little of me while still being as cordial as I can. Most people I can get along with, but there are always going to be mean girls who don’t care to be nice or kind that we’ll have no choice but to deal with. I’m still learning how to properly respond to these kinds of women and maybe if I figure it out, I’ll tell you all about it.
Hey! If you’re a recovering mean girl, I’m proud of you for noticing and I’m sorry for what you endured in childhood that made you that way. You got this sister! If you’re trying to survive a mean girl, the only way to do that is to learn how to fully love yourself and know your worth. I’m so serious. Know your worth to the point that no one can tell you any different. It’s a lot of work, but it’s so incredibly worth it.
So much love to you all!
JEN
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